Cleaning

I cleaned it all today. Washed away the remnants of you with bleach and two pairs of gloves. I scrubbed at the tile, willing the love of you to be lifted from the cracks.

A vacuum passed over the hardwood floors and carpets- not leaving a speck behind. Of the way you kissed my lips raw, or stripped my body of the hurt from my past.

I cleaned in the fall, instead of the spring. To wash out what remained of the summer. Like it couldn’t wait. Inside me I could feel all the seasons change.

My home is sparkling now and I guess I owe it to you, and every single person who I have ever loved. My spaces are neat and tidy, and its almost like this is our last shared secret.

I don’t clean to clear my mind, I clean to clear my heart. To make room for every person I shall love in all my tomorrows.

So I bleach the shower, wash the grime, and strip my clothes.

I say goodbye to you, as the soap circles the drain.

I am clean, so is my home. It’s like your love never lived here. No one knows-

except me and you.

-M.J.T.-

Finding Warmth Over Love

Find someone who keeps you warm. Warm in the heart and warm in the soul. I say this more than just keeping your bed warm at night, I mean this in a way to keep you warm through every bone cold winter and sweat inducing summer. I mean that they keep you warm through every season, making sure that you’re always bursting at the seams with so much life. Keeping you warm is more than just a 9-5, coffee in the morning, dinner in the oven kind of deal. It means that you’re there and present through every walk in life. You don’t always need to be the first to jump into being lovers with them, you can keep them warm at a distance. Because being warm also means that others will love them first. Other people might try to love them like you do, such an imitation of the good stuff. The cheap love that knows how they like their coffee black with a little sugar, and sleeping with the sheets on and no shirt. But you know that there is more, because you walked them home from the bar- when they spilled secrets and the contents of their stomach at 2 am curb side. You sat through it and listened to them ramble on about big dreams and big love, all while they ate cold pizza on the kitchen floor and got drunk on pitchers of Gin and Tonic. They awoke to you the next morning, stripped clean of dirty clothes, covered in your sheets and your love. While you scrambled around your room facing another morning, they patiently sat. They kept the calm and reminded you that it’s another good day here on Earth. So you keep each other warm. Warm through the mess. Warm through another season. The smell of something like the good stuff just drifting in and out of each day. Effortlessly reminding you that you’re warm, and you’re good, and it’s all going to be okay. ¶

Words on Leaving

They never tell you how to leave. They always tell you how to stay, and to fight, and to continue on through the storm. But no one ever tells you how to leave. Because when there is doubt in your heart, or fear in your soul, you must leave. You must leave because those things were never a part of you before. Before you found yourself idle in your world. You must always be present and pouring with love. For yourself and the people who surround you- they will never lead you to second guess. They will always be the first to push you further into your dreams, and they will be the ones who water your soul. They will allow you to be the best and brightest version of yourself, even on the days you are the most unlovable. So when this is not so, please do leave. And do not feel that you need “closure.” Do not ever feel that you owe someone an explanation. Because if there is a life that they cannot fathom without you, they will make it known. But this is your life, and this is your love. Always make sure you are the one who is the best home for your heart. Stop pursuing people out of fear, that on the other side of your life, you are afraid to discover on your own. Do not fear your company. Yes, you will miss the companionship and the reassuring fact that if you cannot, your someone else will. But you are you. And sometimes, when you are not you anymore, that is when leaving becomes necessary. That is okay. That is more than okay. Because when you leave, when you finally do, it just might be the easiest thing you have ever done. Or maybe it won’t be, and that is okay too. But start, with leaving.¶

My Game of Chance

I let you happen to me,

The way that fall changes the color of leaves

And the way that water washes up upon the shore,

Just to pull the tide back out again.

I let you happen to me,

Like the way the sheets are cold at first

But eventually warm to your body,

Lulling you to sleep.

I let you happen to me,

The way the sun and the moon

Dance with each other through the sky

Giving each other turns to shine

No matter the moment.

I let you happen to me,

And that you did.

But what I failed to realize,

Was that maybe in all these games of chance-

There was a chance,

That I was happening to you too,

So thank you,

For letting me.

-M.J.T.

Raging On

Admire people when they let their dreams dance through their eyes- when they let it roll off their tongues.

Let life happen to you.

Stop letting the world tell you that it is too much for you to be here.

Stop letting the world box you into your fears.

Rage and rage against the mediocre life.

Because I promise, when those moments happen,

my gosh does life taste sweet then.

-M.J.T.