Get Busy Living | Two years, and a home grew here

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It’s the end of an era, in this tiny back bedroom of apartment  123.

Slowly, we take down the photo’s, decorations, the small trinkets and Polaroids that make this apartment ours, and this room mine. Once the fan stops turning, and the lights go out one final time, it won’t belong to me anymore. I’ll turn in the keys, and get that deposit back.

But right now, one last moment in here, it’s still everything. It’s still my escape.

I’ve made memories in this little room. I fell in love in this room. I’ve made love in this room. I’ve lost and found myself again within these four walls. If they could speak, how much they’d say- what stories they’d have to tell to the next person who unpacks their life.

So many sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, laughter, binge watched TV shows with my best friend, the outfit changes, the growth. It all belongs in here. It all happened here. And eventually it will all be left here.

The girl who lived here for two years will be washed away, steam cleaned, spackled, repainted and polished. In the midst of every morning, she became. She became strong, confident, bold and whole. These walls were a foundation, a place to land unsteady feet. A place to experience life, and herself.

So the splotch on the carpet by the window- spilled coffee from a restless morning.

All the places where the paint has lifted from the walls- pictures of her favorite faces and places used to hang there.

She loved this room. This corner of the world. She wrote stories in these walls. She read stories within these walls. How they took her on adventures. How every day in this home, was an adventure.

And oh how she loved, and oh how she learned.

I look around this room one final time.

Watching ghosts of her, me.

I’ll miss this feeling. I’ll remember this feeling. I’ll pack away this feeling.

This is how it feels, to live.¶

Unconditional love

They always tell you,
that it is loving another,
despite
the dark pieces,
broken moments,
and battered souls
that sneak into
this thing called life.
That it is despite the fact
that those very things
can be attached
to the person you love.
But they had it all wrong,
and they taught us all wrong.
It is loving another,
because
of the dark pieces,
broken moments,
and battered souls.
It is loving another,
because
these very things
have etched themselves,
into the woodwork
of their life
and of their heart.
It is because of these things
that I love you so,
so much more.
And it wasn’t until you,
that I really learned
what unconditional love
really meant.
-m.j.t-

I will, I promise

And I’ll let you,
I’ll let you in, and I’ll let you love.
I’ll let you kiss away
all the worry that scrunches up my face.
I’ll let your hands wander,
across my skin, along my body,
down the contours of my back.
I’ll let you know the secrets,
that run through my mind,
the messy way the tangle through my life-
you’ll pocket them
like they were yours all along.
I’ll let you escape with me,
to my favorite places,
the ones that I’ll run to when the world
gets too loud and too much.
I’ll let you have the last piece,
of cake, of me, of my love.
I’ll let you place in me,
the kind of trust and belief,
that our kind of love always knew.
I’ll let you be who you are
I’ll let you experience me entirely
I’ll let you, I’ll let you
Because you’ve let me love you like this-
I’ll let you love me right back.

I’ll let you and I,
make up for all the years,
we should have been loving each other, like this.
-m.j.t-

What it all means,

Recently, someone asked me about my inspiration for my writing. And I thought that I’d let you guys in on what I had to say about it. Please feel free to leave a comment below, and let me know if you have any questions about my inspiration, or any recommendations for future pieces!

The inspiration behind it, was about past loves. It was about the ways where the people we used to love linger on us. They leave impressions on our hearts, and we can still subtly remember the way they graced our skin. Its about the intimate moments; but also about the way that we carry them with us. Sometimes they become strangers, and that’s the part that we start to forget. We always remember people as how they were, and not always how they are, now. It can be interpreted a lot of different ways. But it was really just meant to be about how beautiful it is that we meet people along the way, decorating our bodies with their love. And that it can make us beautiful, and the love we carry is beautiful. And sometimes its sad. It’s about the balance.

-MJT

Clarity

 

Clarity is realizing
that the person
you are
must unbend itself
from the shape of others.
Because standing requires
nothing else
other than your own legs,
and freedom.
-m.j.t-

Get Busy Living | You will always have me

My entire life will unintentionally be a dedication to you. Being your older sister, I feel it my duty, to make sure to shelter you from the harsh reality of the world. But I know that I cannot prevent the things that will happen to you in life. My only hope is that I can prepare you for the moments, when the world nudges you in the shoulder a little too rough- and to always be there to cushion the blow. I also hope that I can leave you with a head full of dreams, and a heart full of promise. To remind you that life is a thing of beauty, and that you can always find love in everything you do, and everywhere you go.

We already know that you’ve got success up your sleeve. You’re pursuing your dreams, in a way that makes me stand back in awe. Because when I was eighteen and entering college, I didn’t have a single clue as to who I was, or what I wanted. You showed me that direction is something you take very seriously- something you do with so much drive and ambition. It’s one of the many things that you’ve taught me along the way. It has directed me to always choose that feeling of fulfillment. Regardless of what people may say. Especially the nonbelievers, and the opinions of our parents.

Growing up with you, will always be my favorite part of life. I get to experience life twice. Once on my own, and a second time around to observe. College, boyfriends, first dates, first kisses, and even the first time heartbreak comes around. All these things I had to learn on my own, experience first- some of it was great, and at other times is was awful. But with each experience, it has lead me to some truths, and the best piece of advice I have. That is, you will stand up again. You will move on. You will know how big a heart can grow. You will know better. You will be stronger. You will have me.

No matter what the situation in life, it’s nothing you cannot overcome. You are the strongest, bravest, most head strong girl I know. Life may fight you, but you fight back twice as tough. You have made me believe that every situation in life is temporary. It’s a lesson I always keep with me, no matter what stage in life. I just want you to know, and to remember.

After all the rambling, and the fighting, and the days we may not talk at all. You have been the biggest blessing and lesson in my life. Maybe I never really learned it all through experience. Maybe it was always you. Maybe you have, and will, always teach me the biggest lessons in life. Maybe being older doesn’t always mean wiser- maybe sometimes it just means that I get to walk through life with someone, always. And maybe that’s what I meant to say this whole time.¶

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My sun, my moon, and every single star

Love me like the sky
hugs the moon.
Kiss me like the stars
dusted upon the black of night.
Hold me like the ocean does the sun
every morning of a new day.
Because I find that the universe
turns and turns
on the very idea
that always you
will be enough.
-m.j.t-

But I do believe in us

The eclipse of us,

will shadow over anything, that ever looked like something.

And it will cause seasons to turn, and flowers to bloom.

Everything will forget to point North, but everything will face the light.

And the light will escape from the edges of our love.

Unconsciously conscious is it for us to love like we do.

Only when we come together,

do we truly understand the phenomenon we’ve caused.

The kind of commonplace miracle,

of two lives colliding.

We’ve spent our whole life, orbiting each other,

and when we align,

the world will never look the same.

Is it fate that you believe in? Because I’ll believe it too.

How naïve in love we are,

and how we’ll let it be our compass.

Let it guide us where it may, after all

I believe in

the eclipse of us.

But most of all, I believe in us.

-m.j.t-

Get Busy Living | You’re doing just fine

It’s three in the afternoon, and I’m sitting in the middle of campus. Trapped between the smell of roasted coffee and the hum of college life. I feel my flighty nature kicking in. I’ve been at the library far longer than any one person should be. I feel the monotony of a routine starting to make me itchy and anxious for something brand new.  I feel the borderlines of this town slowly closing in. Because I’m looking out the window, and wondering when will be the next time I feel that ‘I’m coming alive again’ kind of feeling.

When I entered college, I thought I had the world figured out. I thought that my major would carry me through four years. I thought that wanting to graduate would be enough. It wasn’t until I started taking classes and being less than interested, that I really began to question everything that I had solidified. I was floating for the first time, at a point in my life where decisions were meant to be finite and definite. Everyone was making plans- and although I had them, they didn’t feel like enough, they didn’t feel like me. So that was the day I changed my major. Three hours with an adviser, trying to pick something that spoke to me. And that wouldn’t be the last time that I spoke with her, and that wouldn’t be the last time that I changed my major.

Four is the number. I changed my major four different times. I was indecisive for entirely “too long” during my college career. But eventually, I found something I was good at. That challenged me. That I enjoyed learning about. I was finally becoming that person again; someone who has plans, and something that resembled solid ground, something I could stand on. But at times, I will still ask, am I chasing purpose, or am I chasing passion?

And the truth? The truth is that I’m walking the fine line between each. But for a long while, I was chasing neither. My writing streak had dwindled. I stopped writing for a good portion of my first two years in college. I stopped putting effort and creativity into my blog- the very two things that makes for good content and great writing. I stopped fueling my passion, because I allowed for practicality to rule my life. It was only when I started to write again, keeping a journal each day, that my writing began to pick up- to take shape and purpose.

The meaning for all of this is that if you feel like you can’t find your purpose- choose to chase and nurture your passion. Understand that when you are passionate about something- it allows for you to fulfill parts of yourself, that practicality and reason are unable to do. Choose to follow the road that is unpaved, less traveled, and new. Choose this because above all else, when you find something that speaks to the very parts of you, that makes waking up every day so easy- and continues to shape your very self- you are choosing to find your purpose. Always keep the most genuine parts of yourself, alive and well.

Chasing your passions, will open up so many doors to finding out what you were meant to do, and who you were meant to be.

So if you’re lost, and you’re wondering if you’re okay. Let me tell you, you’re okay. You’re doing just fine. Life is about choices. Your life is made entirely of your own choices. So choose well, and choose often. Choose what you love, each time, every time- you’ll never be disappointed. You’ll never be lost. ¶

Get Busy Living | For the lovers who want to last forever

You must wear your scars and your hearts, open to the world, leaving nothing to hide. Because you know that you can’t get one, without the other.

There is a beauty in this. The sobering thought that we stand up again, despite the damage and pain we face. It is the constant reminder, that nothing here is permanent. No matter how much we try to preserve the natural state. The heart, our love, this body, the mind. It will all be met with the battle of life. Everything that you will, have, or are going to love, will scar you in some way. They will be the marks left on your heart, and they will run with the memories in your mind.

This is us.

Because we will carry these marks in this vessel of a body. We will use this beautiful thing to make life, love, and carry the sounds of great joy, and to shed the salty kiss of tears. We will be the ones who take an entire lifetime to learn how to properly love ourselves- and in turn, love each other. We will be clumsy, and sometimes ridiculous. And in between walking with ourselves, we will be joined by others. Who we will try to love desperately, fully, and genuinely. There will be times where we will collect the sunshine in the palms of our hands. Gracing our bodies with the warmth of the sun, and the glow from the heat of our love.

And at other times, we will be the unintentional fighters who wind up in the ring. Throwing punches, from the chaos of our noisy minds. Spitting out harsh words tinged by hatred and fear. More scars, more dings, more scratches. Sometimes, our insides will take a portion of the blow- and in those moments, we will feel that it will not rain, but it will pour.

But this only makes us shine.

Because we will continually strive to be the defenders of honesty. We will continue to grow into our wisdom, and seek out our absolutes. We will thread our needles with compromise, and a gentle teaching to be better. We will sew our wounds with lessons, and new horizons.

So, I ask that you carry your scars. With all the pride you can muster. Because nothing here is permanent, nothing will last forever. The scars we healed, and the wounds we tended to, will all eventually fade. But the stories of our lives, the love we shared, and the love we received. Only that will transcend a lifetime.

Be love, spread love; every last piece and part.

That will be our only forever. And that will always be enough.¶